moving and friends

k so ive always been afraid of being alone... its why i live where i do, its why ive made the decisions i have made (in the past)... last month i decided im gonna try and move up north... right now i dont have a job so im stuck where i am till something changes in that regards... so anyway...

im completely fine with living by myself (all alone), however there is still just a small part of me that screams on the inside that i wont be able to handle it... there are really only 4 ppl whom of which i would be willing to live with (4 non-married ppl) and one of which im not even friends with (well not really, we are friends through a friend but its complicated), but even this person doesnt want to move where i want to and i dont like him enough to compromise and move with him some where else... not to mention that even though i would be willing to move in with him i think it would end up being a huge mistake... so im down to friends...

about 2 years ago, maybe 3, i had no friends... all i did was work, sleep, church, and repeat... i was the manager at my work so the whole hanging with employees was looked down upon, plus it could or would make some employees feel weird with hanging with me so i just avoided hanging out with ppl from work all together... at church there wasnt a group that i belonged to so i ended up being in classes with ppl who were older than me, and during the services i always sat alone and thats just how it was...

then one day i decided to sit with my little sister in a back pew, it turned out that 2 other ppl ended up sitting with us during the service... the next week i went to my usual spot alone and after the service one of the 2 guys got on to me about not sitting with him again (i didnt really know him so why would i sit with him)... so anyway a short time after that a group of 4 guys: myself, the guy who yelled at me, his friend, and another guy all happened to be in a room together... nothing major happened and we didnt even talk about anything meaningful or worthwhile but all 4 left that room as really good friends... we went from acquaintances who barely knew anything about each other to friends who'd do anything for each other...

back to today and living together... 2 of them are married, so that leaves one friend... i have discussed moving up north with him but he is really hesitant about it and probably wont do it (not till something else happens that neither of us can control)...

so i said 4 ppl and listed 2...  the last 6 months have been majorly different all because of a game called ingress... my life has changed completely... i have gained 3 new friends all for different reasons:

one person i have spent so much time with trapped in cars for road trips related to the game that i feel like i have known him for a long time now... we have made a ton of memories and he is a really great guy and i always enjoy spending time with him even if we dont do anything at all...

another person i became friends with because we were actually enemies (in game) and he decided he wanted to meet me so we did and it turned out we had a lot in common in certain regards, so we began speaking to each other and randomly hanging out while playing the game (well he would be playing the game and i would just be walking with him keeping him company since we couldnt play at the same time)...

and the last friend; we became friends because he asked... we had spent time with each other in group settings but never really did anything as a duo and one day we were talking in a hangout and he said "lets be friends".... so now we are...

so the one friend ,the enemy (who actually switched sides so now he is on the same team), is married so i cant live with him... and the other 2 friends i havent even bothered discussing living together with them cause one of them lives in a nice home and i dont want to invade his house like that and the other i wouldnt feel comfortable enough to be like hey! lets live together... cause im pretty sure i would get turned down and i dont want to put that on my friend (the situation of having to turn me away kinda thing).... i mean seriously with these 2 friends weve only known each other for a very short amount of time and it would be completely weird or at least it would appear that way...

so really i have 1 person whom of which i may or may not be able to get to live with me... so yep... i just have to plunge forward on my own and pretend that living all alone wont bother me...